I am a Military Veteran and Combat Medic. I served in the South African Defence Force from 1993 to 2005. And in the Emergency Medical Services until 2021

I still remember to first person I saw die and that is 32 years later. He was an unknown gentleman who lost a head on collision with a mini bus taxi while he was on his bicycle. I was a fresh faced 19 year old.

Up to that time I only knew death as a notification. “Your aunt/uncle died” and then seeing a coffin sometimes open sometimes not.

When I started to train as a combat medic I got to know death as a constant. I even had a T-shirt made “Racing the reaper, Ops Medic (Combat Medic) for life.

I served for 12 years and laterally transferred to Goverment Service into Provincial Emergency Medical Service. I got blunted and jaded towards death, I could make jokes about death and laught at the jokes others made. I realize that this was coping mechanism and I slowly gathered barnacles and damage under the surface.

It all came to a head in December 2015 when my wife of 16 years said she wanted a divorce leaving me for another man. It was a bad Christmas and it all came crashing down on Christmas day when I wrote The Letter and had my plans in place on how I was going to put an end to it all. If it was not for my youngest son who started watching me like a hawk and called me until I answered him that wanted to come with when I left home for what was supposed to be the last time. I would most probably not be here today.

In 2021 I left that world behind and my coping mechanisms started to fail my relationship fell apart at the seams and I pushed everyone close to me away. I had a lot of stress I emmigrated to the UK, worked a frustratingly underpaid job with bad hours and co oworkers that spent their time trying to stab you in the back. April 2022 I went back to South Africa to recharge and get some perspective. A very close friend of mine said to me there was a time where everyone was just waiting for me to have a nervous breakdown. January 2023 I came back to the UK.

I am currently in a bad place again but this time I have a support network in place and the support I get is amazing.

To the those that are still serving and veterans it helps to talk to someone. Remember it is Okay not to be Okay.

I came across this post of mine from 2017 ” Why is it that we pretend that PTSD and depression doesn’t exist? We wake up in the mornings and try to get ourselves out of the pit of despair we find ourselves in but to the world we have this mask we wear of “Hey look at me I fart rainbows.”. We need to start getting real and admit if we have a problem and stop pretending.”

Get help get a battle buddy someone you know will have your six no matter what the time of day or night.

I know it is hard to get to trust someone with all your baggage and the shit you have been through. Trust me. Been there, Done that. One of my battle buddies calls it T-Shirt experiences. Slug on get your head screwed on straight because you never know who is watching you, you might just be the inspiration for that one person to get rid of their pride and go and get help.

On the other side there will be peole who will be watching you and hopng you fail and fall flat on your face. Prove them wrong show them you are strong.

I have this phrase that I am fond of using

There are three rules in life:

1 Shit happens

2 Shit always runs downhill

3 Control Shit

Speak out, ask for help and remember to eat the elephant (bite by bite). It will not get better overnight it will take time and you will get there.

22/05

Today the Dark Dog is barking hard at my heels again. I feel like just staying in bed and feeling sorry for myself. I do know that this will achieve absolutely nothing. I need to get up, get dressed and get out there and show up. As I have said you never know who is using you for their own motivation as they go through some issue in their life

31/05

That day was difficult, I saw her again and I just realised how much I miss her. I went down the dark hole. I clawed my way out, I did a long hard ugly cry and went to sleep.

It is a long hard process to get better and I know I will get there.

16/11

The dog has been barking again and I really feel like giving up. But what purpose will it serve? Nothing.

As stated in one of my other posts I am a Christian. And I know that attacks become more intense just before a breakthough. I trust that it is close, all I need to do is stay the course. I have been doing fine and it all cam tumbling down after I had a dream of us back together again.

I do trust God’s timing and I know He is true and His ways are not my ways and He wil provide in all things.